Titan AE: A critical analysis of motivation

This entry makes two assumptions, one directly based on the other. Firstly, it assumes you've seen Titan AE. Second, it assumes you thought it was awesome. I fit both these categories, and I suggest that you only read on if you do too.

The characters are well-developed, the animation is beautiful, and the story is well thought-out. On the whole, the movie is a superior one. Or so it would seem. After the uplifting ending, I began to question how much sense the movie made. Thinking about various motivations throughout the film, I began to see circular logic, and I fell into a rather deep plot hole. The plot hole I uncovered is at worst, a simple oversight in the course of creating a good vs. evil story or at best, a questioning of who the villain really is.

The main players in the movie are the humans and the Drej. The humans have just begun to explore beyond earth and make contact with other species. The Drej are much higher beings, made of pure energy and generally unconcerned with the affairs of lesser species. The movie opens with the Drej destroying Earth, because they fear humanity's new advancement: The Titan Project.

This brings us to our first problem. The Titan project is three plot devices in one: It is the villain's motivation for attacking, the heroes' motivation for their quest, and it is the weapon that eventually results in the heroes' victory. The main question of the plot from the beginning is; what is the Titan Project? At the end, it is revealed to be a backup copy of Earth, and it was activated by draining the power from the Drej, destroying them. A happy ending? Maybe. The Titan as a backup Earth does not seem to equate with the Titan as a reason to destroy humanity before they use it, particularly for beings as powerful as the Drej. They are like gods next to all other races, why would they care about one race's ability to make more planets, that would be like dust next to the vastness of the galaxy? Of all the races out there, they just had to single out humans, and just for the reason that they want a backup home? But wait, you say, the Titan DID kill the Drej at the end! Doesn't that justify them to be threatened? Well, no. The Titan only killed them because they shot at it, and it used their energy (their entire bodies, that is) to assume its final form. So if the Drej had ignored them, nothing bad would have happened. The Humans would have had their home away from home, and the Drej could go back to looking like random techno videos.

This is the point of divergence. Maybe it was just an error on the part of the writers. Maybe they tried too hard to combine villains with a motivation and villains who are just generically evil. Or maybe the Humans were planning on using the Drej for a power source all along. Maybe it wasn't a coincidence that the power intake devices on the Titan were compatible with the energy produce by the Drej. Maybe the humans would have expanded across the galaxy, consuming other races and replicating their natural environment, ad infinitum. Sounds farfetched? We've done enough of it on Earth, as Agent Smith can attest.

DJ Wars: Official rules

After being thoroughly disappointed by the quality of Muskingum University's Homecoming dance, mostly due to the awful DJ, I found myself wishing that someone of true skill could have replaced him, namely David "Asian" Saum. But what method to use, when it comes to selecting your master of music for public events? Only trial by combat will reveal the victor.

You will need:

• An empty basketball court or room of similar size
• Two DJ stations with whatever equipment the contenders need, hooked up to a prominent and electrically safe master switch
• Two equal teams of minions (size to be determined by size of room and consensus, ten being a good baseline)
• Four judges
• A set of good quality wireless headphones for each minion and each judge
• Proper lighting

The object of the game is to win and to look cool doing so.

The game begins with each DJ preparing their station with a playlist, giving instructions to their team, and initiating their light show. Each team is given headphones hooked up to the station of their DJ. The judges are given headphones too, two for each DJ. At the game's start, the DJs activate their playlists. Minions then proceed to fight in time to the music, as long as music is playing in their ears. They cannot inflict physical harm; the object is to remove the headphones of the enemy team. Upon the removal of headphones, the minion is out. The game ends if all minions have been disarmed or a DJ station is turned off. DJs are not allowed to put up any physical resistance to protect the master switch. Judges in tune to the music of a DJ observe that DJ's minions and can disqualify them if they are out of rhythm or excessively violent.

Miner's Log, day one:

Built a house in the desert. My door faces the faraway hills, brimming with resources. On the opposite wall is a grand window, facing the rising sun. My house is a comfort after countless nights of fighting for my life. Upon completing it, though, I found myself famished, and went to the wooded hills hoping to track a few wild hogs. As my hunger grew, I ran deeper into the woods, desperate for any prey. As I sprinted through the empty woods, paying little attention to my surroundings, the day wore on. Finally, at a bend in the river, I found the herd of pigs I had sought, with chickens and cows for good measure. At this time, night had fallen, but I thought myself prepared. I set up a field kitchen and feasted for a while in the glow of the setting sun. Inevitably, though, the groans of the land’s angry dead emerged from the woods. I hastily threw together a boat, packed up my supplies, and set off at full tilt downriver, fully confident that it would return me home. Despite my speed, the river became a gauntlet. Skeletal archers assailed me at ever turn, and a few spiders swam out towards me. I gave thanks that at least the strange new black creatures kept their distance. At about midnight, the river emptied into the sea. Judging myself fully lost, I abandoned mine craft and attempted a different angle. I will never know how I survived the onslaught in those woods. In the dim light, every branch seemed like one of the green creeps that give their lives in trade for an attempt at mine. In fact, there were many that night, but my sword struck true each time, amassing me a respectable supply of black powder. Upon sunrise, I resolved to go east, assuming the desert to be in that general direction. I seemed vindicated after a short walk, seeing the telltale sand and scrub on the horizon. After navigating the dunes, I saw pure joy ahead: The telltale slanted roof I had painstakingly crafted. Overjoyed at my salvation, I rushed at the structure. In my haste, I failed to take into account what I was truly seeing. Not one roof, but many. I had stumbled across a small town in the land I once thought pristine. I approached it, perhaps to ask the locals for aid, but no one came to greet me. The town proved as lifeless as the desert. I did not stay long. The place was eerie, and a good spot for an ambush. Setting out again, I broke free of the desert and into a forest. This one was swampy and thick with vines, and it took me no closer to finding the path. As the sun set again, I chose to cut my losses and retrace my steps while I still could, rather than lose myself in a panic running from the monsters. And so, in the light of the setting sun, I returned to the abandoned village and picked a small building with a working door to make my stand. I would have been driven mad by the noises if I had endured them all night. I had barely the room to lie down, and no bed to ease my slumbers. I was tortured by the knowledge that the next day would dawn not with hope, but with fear; fear of losing my way even further, perhaps not even making it back to this one known landmark. And so in my torment, I began to do the only thing I had left to do: I dug. First, I dug straight down, breaking the first rule without a second thought. After I got deep enough to be comforted by the quiet of the earth, I relaxed, and began to tunnel diagonally down. I had heard tell of a substance that lay deep within the earth with mysterious properties, including perhaps navigation. A rumor that led me to something I could put effort into was all I needed. The journey down was steady and uneventful, so unlike my travels that began with a fruitless hunt. As I dug deeper, I found bounties of iron and coal. The more I dug, the greater the stakes became of my returning safely. Finally, I hit an open cave, bright with lava. This was not a rare occurrence, but something seemed off about the structure of the cave. There they were, rotten almost to pieces, but unmistakably artificial: Wooden support beams. I was not the first to behold this cavern. I journeyed deeper, and found a series of tunnels with similar supports. There were undead down here as well, no doubt the remains of the builders. I had no desire to meet my end among them, so I took the first exit tunnel that led back to a small natural cavern. At the floor: Bedrock. At the side: a glimmer of gold. I planted my last torch, and dug out the nuggets. Was I at the end of my quest now? No. I dug laterally in the direction of the gold. I tunneled long and far, stopping to use some of my newly-mined coal to make more torches. It could not have been 20 meters further when I found it: The red ore. It glowed with an unearthly light as I pounded the surrounding rock. I collected the precious dust, and then, just when I was about to return to my bench to make sense of it, I mined one more stone block. Fear seized me when I saw what lay behind it. Diamond. Now I had to survive at any cost. Six large gemstones, each worth more than my house were weighing down my bag as I walked back down the tunnel. I reached at last my portable workbench, to find a use for the strange red dust. As I dropped my findings on the table, they aligned themselves together in a way so beautiful and orderly that I almost cried at the simplicity of it. I repeated this again and again, to the same effect each time, dust particles aligned in the same direction. I then built the device. It harnessed the power of the red stone into an iron needle which remained stationary even as I turned the casing every which-way. Feeling suddenly lucid, I hurried robotically through the corridors, both my own and those carved by the ancient miners. As luck would have it, I returned to the surface at dawn, although I know not how many dawns had passed since I descended. I followed the needle single-mindedly, bounding as fast as I could, stopping only to refresh myself from my (luckily still ample) supply of steaks. I soon lost myself in a deep wooded hill. As darkness gathered, my blessed needle betrayed me, flipping without warning to indicate the reverse direction. I suddenly came under assault, freeing me from my obsession with my machine and demanding action. I dove off the cliff and spent the night treading water miserably. The night was the longest yet. Nearly mad from cold and exhaustion, I crawled out onto the shore the next morning a broken man. After much trial and error, I found the exact point in the woods where my metal god abandoned me. It was not out of any survival instinct that I was saved. Rather, it was the combination of my two vices; greed and curiosity, which I stumbled across the escape. A tunnel, not two meters from me but well hidden, was gaping at me, inviting me in. I am never one to turn down a challenge that may reward me, so I entered, cautiously lighting the way. A small family of creeps inhabited the cave, this I could see from a light that burned at the back of the cave. There was danger here, but also promise. Light meant lava, and lava meant valuable ore. Spurred by this knowledge, I quickly dispatched the beasts and recklessly drove towards the lava. But I was wrong. The light came from torches mounted on the walls, torches of my own design. I had stumbled into the dangerous honeycomb of tunnels I refer to as my quarry, and was only a short distance from the river home. Hardly daring to believe my luck, I followed the path I had memorized, and saw my home as I crested the ridge. There it sat, solid and safe among the ever-shifting dunes. Knowing that I would take care of my new-found wealth later, I spent only the time required to build a bed before I fell into a deep sleep.

The Indie Game

Step one: Throughout your day-to-day activities, whenever you say a sentence, think about how any set of two or three words you just said could be the name of some shitty band that nobody has ever heard of.

Step two: Realize how hard it is to tell the difference

Examples: Huge Mattress Debacle, She Likes Cloth, Diskette Grid, Golden Cliffhanger Dolls, ect.

An open letter

Dear makers of Trojan Condoms
11-1-08
RE: your "Evolve" commercial

Evolution (via natural selection) is a process in which those with advantageous genetic traits reproduce with greater frequency. Please explain how contraception helps those with advantageous genetic traits reproduce with greater frequency.

Regards,

Keldar

Supervillains, and how to kill them dead

Shooting-70%. Generally effective. The main problems are finding the body and checking the pulse, but don't rule out a body double.

Swordfighting-90%. Damn near your best bet. There's usually enough drama involved in swordfights to justify a final defeat. The only thing to remember is; fight with swords, kill with swords. If you only knock him off the edge of something, even if it's into a pit of lava, he's coming back. Same general rules for unarmed single combat, but always grapple, never throw.

Falling-5%. If swords are your best, falling is your worst. About half the time, you're not even going to be able to look for a body. More importantly, nothing says "sequel" like a hand clawing its way over the top of a cliff just as the credits start to roll. Exception: Disney movies. It's the perfect blend of drama and not having to see the actual death.

Killed by a third party-50%. If one of their trusted underlings does it, it's good. If it's the deus ex machina character, don't even think of it. Somebody you haven't heard of until now, usually works, but then you have them to deal with. Savage beasts they keep as pets are also good, but make sure they're killing to eat.

Fire/Explosions-30%. This really only works if you see them burn. If you can be sure the body is immolated, you're in the clear. Unfortunately, it can be very hard to do this, especially if it takes place in a building. With the added difficulty of finding any evidence of a body after the flames die down, you can safely say they're still out there. Reduce chance to 10% if the building in question is their evil lair.

Vehicular crash-40%. This one really depends on the size of the vehicle, as well as the environment. Going off a jungle cliff in a car is a lot different from blowing up in a one-man fighter jet over the desert. For larger vessels, particularly spaceships, assume they have escaped.

Anything that binds their souls without killing them-15%. This is a very dramatic end, but it is rendered moot if any one of their henchmen escapes to plot their return. Also a danger is the influence they might exert over someone who possesses whatever it is in which they're bound (my precious).

Anything dealing with a villain-specific weakness-10%. Did it work on Dracula?

Drowning-20%. Unless you hold them under until they go limp, you don't have any idea what happens after they sink.

Poison-55%. On the one hand, it's very easy for them to fake death by poison, especially if you just went through a long sequence of switching glasses. On the other hand, faking will only work for a little while, because unless you used a sniper dart, you're going to have easy access to the body.

Black hole-0%. No. Just no. I know of no supervillain who was ever stopped by one of these. It always leads to another dimension.

Sanctioned execution-25%. You'd have to be a pretty pathetic villain to get to this one, but it usually works, unless it was part of their plans to be lead publicly to the gallows only to begin the carnage. It's improbable mostly due to the chance of escaping from prison, and also the old body double.

Their own superweapon-60%. If you gain control of it early, it's probably not going to do you much good. There is, however, a lot of merit to the plan of reversing it at the last minute. Nothing says "owned" like a laser vs. a mirror.

Environmental hazards-70%. Similar to falling, except much easier to check for a body. Giant gears, vats of acid, sausage grinders, heavy objects from above, I could go on, but I won't. Suffice to say, you have a better chance if you cause it, directly or indirectly. Villains might be stupid enough to build their lair inside a giant clock, but they're not stupid enough to get hurt by it without being pushed.

Old age-30%. No real way to come back from this, but if they've lived that long, they're likely to have at least one heir. Unless the villain is your father.

Life in prison-100%. They will always break out and come back, but if they weren't worth killing, a worse fate awaits them. No longer will they be a supervillain. They will forever have the title of "Recurring character," very possibly of the comic relief variety.

The rules of engagement on the internet

Everyone knows that internet arguments are an insult to human intelligence. If you cannot avoid them, at least follow these tips.

1. Think about what you're saying. This is not a luxury you are afforded IRL.

2. You must keep impeccable grammar and spelling. This is the internet equivalent of remaining perfectly calm as your opponent foams at the mouth (poor writing style).

3. Internet arguments are mainly for the benefit of observers. Be sure to write concisely and clearly. Use of five-dollar words can be effective, but keep it natural and don't overdo it. People are going to pay more attention to someone who writes two clear sentences than someone who writes a run-on paragraph using little punctuation and no upper-case letters.

4. A picture is worth a thousand words. A chanboard macro is worth over nine thousand.

5. Never resort to ad hominem without proof. If your opponent tries it, be ready with "NO U".

6. You cannot harm each other physically over the internets. Emotional manipulation, however, is your primary weapon. If your opponent kills himself, you have won.

7. If your adversary is being serious, make it a joke. If he rages, chill. Always keep contrast.

8. If the argument is about religion, don't even start.

9. If you're arguing with a group of people, it is much more effective to respond to everyone in one statement. Writing everyone an individual response is cumbersome.

10. If you find yourself losing, try rickrolling them. If you're really ambitious, use the 50 Hitler Post.