Friday, October 21, 2011
Miner's Log, day one:
Built a house in the desert. My door faces the faraway hills, brimming with resources. On the opposite wall is a grand window, facing the rising sun. My house is a comfort after countless nights of fighting for my life. Upon completing it, though, I found myself famished, and went to the wooded hills hoping to track a few wild hogs. As my hunger grew, I ran deeper into the woods, desperate for any prey. As I sprinted through the empty woods, paying little attention to my surroundings, the day wore on. Finally, at a bend in the river, I found the herd of pigs I had sought, with chickens and cows for good measure. At this time, night had fallen, but I thought myself prepared. I set up a field kitchen and feasted for a while in the glow of the setting sun. Inevitably, though, the groans of the land’s angry dead emerged from the woods. I hastily threw together a boat, packed up my supplies, and set off at full tilt downriver, fully confident that it would return me home. Despite my speed, the river became a gauntlet. Skeletal archers assailed me at ever turn, and a few spiders swam out towards me. I gave thanks that at least the strange new black creatures kept their distance. At about midnight, the river emptied into the sea. Judging myself fully lost, I abandoned mine craft and attempted a different angle. I will never know how I survived the onslaught in those woods. In the dim light, every branch seemed like one of the green creeps that give their lives in trade for an attempt at mine. In fact, there were many that night, but my sword struck true each time, amassing me a respectable supply of black powder. Upon sunrise, I resolved to go east, assuming the desert to be in that general direction. I seemed vindicated after a short walk, seeing the telltale sand and scrub on the horizon. After navigating the dunes, I saw pure joy ahead: The telltale slanted roof I had painstakingly crafted. Overjoyed at my salvation, I rushed at the structure. In my haste, I failed to take into account what I was truly seeing. Not one roof, but many. I had stumbled across a small town in the land I once thought pristine. I approached it, perhaps to ask the locals for aid, but no one came to greet me. The town proved as lifeless as the desert. I did not stay long. The place was eerie, and a good spot for an ambush. Setting out again, I broke free of the desert and into a forest. This one was swampy and thick with vines, and it took me no closer to finding the path. As the sun set again, I chose to cut my losses and retrace my steps while I still could, rather than lose myself in a panic running from the monsters. And so, in the light of the setting sun, I returned to the abandoned village and picked a small building with a working door to make my stand. I would have been driven mad by the noises if I had endured them all night. I had barely the room to lie down, and no bed to ease my slumbers. I was tortured by the knowledge that the next day would dawn not with hope, but with fear; fear of losing my way even further, perhaps not even making it back to this one known landmark. And so in my torment, I began to do the only thing I had left to do: I dug. First, I dug straight down, breaking the first rule without a second thought. After I got deep enough to be comforted by the quiet of the earth, I relaxed, and began to tunnel diagonally down. I had heard tell of a substance that lay deep within the earth with mysterious properties, including perhaps navigation. A rumor that led me to something I could put effort into was all I needed. The journey down was steady and uneventful, so unlike my travels that began with a fruitless hunt. As I dug deeper, I found bounties of iron and coal. The more I dug, the greater the stakes became of my returning safely. Finally, I hit an open cave, bright with lava. This was not a rare occurrence, but something seemed off about the structure of the cave. There they were, rotten almost to pieces, but unmistakably artificial: Wooden support beams. I was not the first to behold this cavern. I journeyed deeper, and found a series of tunnels with similar supports. There were undead down here as well, no doubt the remains of the builders. I had no desire to meet my end among them, so I took the first exit tunnel that led back to a small natural cavern. At the floor: Bedrock. At the side: a glimmer of gold. I planted my last torch, and dug out the nuggets. Was I at the end of my quest now? No. I dug laterally in the direction of the gold. I tunneled long and far, stopping to use some of my newly-mined coal to make more torches. It could not have been 20 meters further when I found it: The red ore. It glowed with an unearthly light as I pounded the surrounding rock. I collected the precious dust, and then, just when I was about to return to my bench to make sense of it, I mined one more stone block. Fear seized me when I saw what lay behind it. Diamond. Now I had to survive at any cost. Six large gemstones, each worth more than my house were weighing down my bag as I walked back down the tunnel. I reached at last my portable workbench, to find a use for the strange red dust. As I dropped my findings on the table, they aligned themselves together in a way so beautiful and orderly that I almost cried at the simplicity of it. I repeated this again and again, to the same effect each time, dust particles aligned in the same direction. I then built the device. It harnessed the power of the red stone into an iron needle which remained stationary even as I turned the casing every which-way. Feeling suddenly lucid, I hurried robotically through the corridors, both my own and those carved by the ancient miners. As luck would have it, I returned to the surface at dawn, although I know not how many dawns had passed since I descended. I followed the needle single-mindedly, bounding as fast as I could, stopping only to refresh myself from my (luckily still ample) supply of steaks. I soon lost myself in a deep wooded hill. As darkness gathered, my blessed needle betrayed me, flipping without warning to indicate the reverse direction. I suddenly came under assault, freeing me from my obsession with my machine and demanding action. I dove off the cliff and spent the night treading water miserably. The night was the longest yet. Nearly mad from cold and exhaustion, I crawled out onto the shore the next morning a broken man. After much trial and error, I found the exact point in the woods where my metal god abandoned me. It was not out of any survival instinct that I was saved. Rather, it was the combination of my two vices; greed and curiosity, which I stumbled across the escape. A tunnel, not two meters from me but well hidden, was gaping at me, inviting me in. I am never one to turn down a challenge that may reward me, so I entered, cautiously lighting the way. A small family of creeps inhabited the cave, this I could see from a light that burned at the back of the cave. There was danger here, but also promise. Light meant lava, and lava meant valuable ore. Spurred by this knowledge, I quickly dispatched the beasts and recklessly drove towards the lava. But I was wrong. The light came from torches mounted on the walls, torches of my own design. I had stumbled into the dangerous honeycomb of tunnels I refer to as my quarry, and was only a short distance from the river home. Hardly daring to believe my luck, I followed the path I had memorized, and saw my home as I crested the ridge. There it sat, solid and safe among the ever-shifting dunes. Knowing that I would take care of my new-found wealth later, I spent only the time required to build a bed before I fell into a deep sleep.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The Indie Game
Step one: Throughout your day-to-day activities, whenever you say a sentence, think about how any set of two or three words you just said could be the name of some shitty band that nobody has ever heard of.
Step two: Realize how hard it is to tell the difference
Examples: Huge Mattress Debacle, She Likes Cloth, Diskette Grid, Golden Cliffhanger Dolls, ect.
Step two: Realize how hard it is to tell the difference
Examples: Huge Mattress Debacle, She Likes Cloth, Diskette Grid, Golden Cliffhanger Dolls, ect.
An open letter
Dear makers of Trojan Condoms
11-1-08
RE: your "Evolve" commercial
Evolution (via natural selection) is a process in which those with advantageous genetic traits reproduce with greater frequency. Please explain how contraception helps those with advantageous genetic traits reproduce with greater frequency.
Regards,
Keldar
11-1-08
RE: your "Evolve" commercial
Evolution (via natural selection) is a process in which those with advantageous genetic traits reproduce with greater frequency. Please explain how contraception helps those with advantageous genetic traits reproduce with greater frequency.
Regards,
Keldar
Supervillains, and how to kill them dead
Shooting-70%. Generally effective. The main problems are finding the body and checking the pulse, but don't rule out a body double.
Swordfighting-90%. Damn near your best bet. There's usually enough drama involved in swordfights to justify a final defeat. The only thing to remember is; fight with swords, kill with swords. If you only knock him off the edge of something, even if it's into a pit of lava, he's coming back. Same general rules for unarmed single combat, but always grapple, never throw.
Falling-5%. If swords are your best, falling is your worst. About half the time, you're not even going to be able to look for a body. More importantly, nothing says "sequel" like a hand clawing its way over the top of a cliff just as the credits start to roll. Exception: Disney movies. It's the perfect blend of drama and not having to see the actual death.
Killed by a third party-50%. If one of their trusted underlings does it, it's good. If it's the deus ex machina character, don't even think of it. Somebody you haven't heard of until now, usually works, but then you have them to deal with. Savage beasts they keep as pets are also good, but make sure they're killing to eat.
Fire/Explosions-30%. This really only works if you see them burn. If you can be sure the body is immolated, you're in the clear. Unfortunately, it can be very hard to do this, especially if it takes place in a building. With the added difficulty of finding any evidence of a body after the flames die down, you can safely say they're still out there. Reduce chance to 10% if the building in question is their evil lair.
Vehicular crash-40%. This one really depends on the size of the vehicle, as well as the environment. Going off a jungle cliff in a car is a lot different from blowing up in a one-man fighter jet over the desert. For larger vessels, particularly spaceships, assume they have escaped.
Anything that binds their souls without killing them-15%. This is a very dramatic end, but it is rendered moot if any one of their henchmen escapes to plot their return. Also a danger is the influence they might exert over someone who possesses whatever it is in which they're bound (my precious).
Anything dealing with a villain-specific weakness-10%. Did it work on Dracula?
Drowning-20%. Unless you hold them under until they go limp, you don't have any idea what happens after they sink.
Poison-55%. On the one hand, it's very easy for them to fake death by poison, especially if you just went through a long sequence of switching glasses. On the other hand, faking will only work for a little while, because unless you used a sniper dart, you're going to have easy access to the body.
Black hole-0%. No. Just no. I know of no supervillain who was ever stopped by one of these. It always leads to another dimension.
Sanctioned execution-25%. You'd have to be a pretty pathetic villain to get to this one, but it usually works, unless it was part of their plans to be lead publicly to the gallows only to begin the carnage. It's improbable mostly due to the chance of escaping from prison, and also the old body double.
Their own superweapon-60%. If you gain control of it early, it's probably not going to do you much good. There is, however, a lot of merit to the plan of reversing it at the last minute. Nothing says "owned" like a laser vs. a mirror.
Environmental hazards-70%. Similar to falling, except much easier to check for a body. Giant gears, vats of acid, sausage grinders, heavy objects from above, I could go on, but I won't. Suffice to say, you have a better chance if you cause it, directly or indirectly. Villains might be stupid enough to build their lair inside a giant clock, but they're not stupid enough to get hurt by it without being pushed.
Old age-30%. No real way to come back from this, but if they've lived that long, they're likely to have at least one heir. Unless the villain is your father.
Life in prison-100%. They will always break out and come back, but if they weren't worth killing, a worse fate awaits them. No longer will they be a supervillain. They will forever have the title of "Recurring character," very possibly of the comic relief variety.
Swordfighting-90%. Damn near your best bet. There's usually enough drama involved in swordfights to justify a final defeat. The only thing to remember is; fight with swords, kill with swords. If you only knock him off the edge of something, even if it's into a pit of lava, he's coming back. Same general rules for unarmed single combat, but always grapple, never throw.
Falling-5%. If swords are your best, falling is your worst. About half the time, you're not even going to be able to look for a body. More importantly, nothing says "sequel" like a hand clawing its way over the top of a cliff just as the credits start to roll. Exception: Disney movies. It's the perfect blend of drama and not having to see the actual death.
Killed by a third party-50%. If one of their trusted underlings does it, it's good. If it's the deus ex machina character, don't even think of it. Somebody you haven't heard of until now, usually works, but then you have them to deal with. Savage beasts they keep as pets are also good, but make sure they're killing to eat.
Fire/Explosions-30%. This really only works if you see them burn. If you can be sure the body is immolated, you're in the clear. Unfortunately, it can be very hard to do this, especially if it takes place in a building. With the added difficulty of finding any evidence of a body after the flames die down, you can safely say they're still out there. Reduce chance to 10% if the building in question is their evil lair.
Vehicular crash-40%. This one really depends on the size of the vehicle, as well as the environment. Going off a jungle cliff in a car is a lot different from blowing up in a one-man fighter jet over the desert. For larger vessels, particularly spaceships, assume they have escaped.
Anything that binds their souls without killing them-15%. This is a very dramatic end, but it is rendered moot if any one of their henchmen escapes to plot their return. Also a danger is the influence they might exert over someone who possesses whatever it is in which they're bound (my precious).
Anything dealing with a villain-specific weakness-10%. Did it work on Dracula?
Drowning-20%. Unless you hold them under until they go limp, you don't have any idea what happens after they sink.
Poison-55%. On the one hand, it's very easy for them to fake death by poison, especially if you just went through a long sequence of switching glasses. On the other hand, faking will only work for a little while, because unless you used a sniper dart, you're going to have easy access to the body.
Black hole-0%. No. Just no. I know of no supervillain who was ever stopped by one of these. It always leads to another dimension.
Sanctioned execution-25%. You'd have to be a pretty pathetic villain to get to this one, but it usually works, unless it was part of their plans to be lead publicly to the gallows only to begin the carnage. It's improbable mostly due to the chance of escaping from prison, and also the old body double.
Their own superweapon-60%. If you gain control of it early, it's probably not going to do you much good. There is, however, a lot of merit to the plan of reversing it at the last minute. Nothing says "owned" like a laser vs. a mirror.
Environmental hazards-70%. Similar to falling, except much easier to check for a body. Giant gears, vats of acid, sausage grinders, heavy objects from above, I could go on, but I won't. Suffice to say, you have a better chance if you cause it, directly or indirectly. Villains might be stupid enough to build their lair inside a giant clock, but they're not stupid enough to get hurt by it without being pushed.
Old age-30%. No real way to come back from this, but if they've lived that long, they're likely to have at least one heir. Unless the villain is your father.
Life in prison-100%. They will always break out and come back, but if they weren't worth killing, a worse fate awaits them. No longer will they be a supervillain. They will forever have the title of "Recurring character," very possibly of the comic relief variety.
The rules of engagement on the internet
Everyone knows that internet arguments are an insult to human intelligence. If you cannot avoid them, at least follow these tips.
1. Think about what you're saying. This is not a luxury you are afforded IRL.
2. You must keep impeccable grammar and spelling. This is the internet equivalent of remaining perfectly calm as your opponent foams at the mouth (poor writing style).
3. Internet arguments are mainly for the benefit of observers. Be sure to write concisely and clearly. Use of five-dollar words can be effective, but keep it natural and don't overdo it. People are going to pay more attention to someone who writes two clear sentences than someone who writes a run-on paragraph using little punctuation and no upper-case letters.
4. A picture is worth a thousand words. A chanboard macro is worth over nine thousand.
5. Never resort to ad hominem without proof. If your opponent tries it, be ready with "NO U".
6. You cannot harm each other physically over the internets. Emotional manipulation, however, is your primary weapon. If your opponent kills himself, you have won.
7. If your adversary is being serious, make it a joke. If he rages, chill. Always keep contrast.
8. If the argument is about religion, don't even start.
9. If you're arguing with a group of people, it is much more effective to respond to everyone in one statement. Writing everyone an individual response is cumbersome.
10. If you find yourself losing, try rickrolling them. If you're really ambitious, use the 50 Hitler Post.
1. Think about what you're saying. This is not a luxury you are afforded IRL.
2. You must keep impeccable grammar and spelling. This is the internet equivalent of remaining perfectly calm as your opponent foams at the mouth (poor writing style).
3. Internet arguments are mainly for the benefit of observers. Be sure to write concisely and clearly. Use of five-dollar words can be effective, but keep it natural and don't overdo it. People are going to pay more attention to someone who writes two clear sentences than someone who writes a run-on paragraph using little punctuation and no upper-case letters.
4. A picture is worth a thousand words. A chanboard macro is worth over nine thousand.
5. Never resort to ad hominem without proof. If your opponent tries it, be ready with "NO U".
6. You cannot harm each other physically over the internets. Emotional manipulation, however, is your primary weapon. If your opponent kills himself, you have won.
7. If your adversary is being serious, make it a joke. If he rages, chill. Always keep contrast.
8. If the argument is about religion, don't even start.
9. If you're arguing with a group of people, it is much more effective to respond to everyone in one statement. Writing everyone an individual response is cumbersome.
10. If you find yourself losing, try rickrolling them. If you're really ambitious, use the 50 Hitler Post.
This conversation happened
“Hey, there’s no more toilet paper!”
“Dude, it doesn’t matter!”
“No seriously, get me some fucking paper!”
“We’re all out; all we have is this blank reel of film”
“Ok, whatever. Hey, that feels kind of good”
<Much, much later>
“Hey, what’s on this reel of film?”
“I dunno, it’s not marked. Try playing it.”
<play>
“Dude, if we show this to 13 year old girls, we’ll be fucking millionaires!”
"We shall call it 'Twilight"
“Dude, it doesn’t matter!”
“No seriously, get me some fucking paper!”
“We’re all out; all we have is this blank reel of film”
“Ok, whatever. Hey, that feels kind of good”
<Much, much later>
“Hey, what’s on this reel of film?”
“I dunno, it’s not marked. Try playing it.”
<play>
“Dude, if we show this to 13 year old girls, we’ll be fucking millionaires!”
"We shall call it 'Twilight"
At long last
After exhaustive research, I am prepared to release my findings on perhaps the first cure for emos. To do so, I gathered together a series of well-known traits, as well as common traits of those who do not carry the disease. Once I isolated the crucial nutrient lacked by those of the emo persuasion, it was a simple matter to find the best way to introduce this component into the system.
To examine an emo, one must know what one is and what one isn’t. The best specimens of non-emos were what one could describe accurately as “totally fucking metal”. A very scientific negative correlation was found between the average weight of the metal involved and the degree to which the subject was emo. To put it in simple terms, heavy metal is not emo.
The problem then was simple. To force a subject to cease being emo, heavy metal must be introduced to their system. Due to its availability and ease of administration, lead is the obvious choice for this purpose. When the lead is heated to a heightened temperature and forcibly injected, (injections to the cranial cavity gave the best results in early testing) the subject instantly ceases to be emo. The procedure is a very simple one and is usually able to be self-administered, or preformed by any helpful metalhead present.
Further test results are required to gauge the effectiveness of other heavy metals. Digital simulations from the late 90s using gold were highly successful; a bestselling 1997 study by Nintendo found that gold injections have a 100% cure rate. The only other material that has been tested to some success is mercury. Various studies over the years have found it to be semi-curative at best. Large amounts of the substance in its liquid form have at least some curative powers. In this case, it can be taken either by ingestion, inhalation or simple contact.
I plan to publish this study in a Very Respected Medical Journal. For this reason, I am very open to all forms of peer review.
To examine an emo, one must know what one is and what one isn’t. The best specimens of non-emos were what one could describe accurately as “totally fucking metal”. A very scientific negative correlation was found between the average weight of the metal involved and the degree to which the subject was emo. To put it in simple terms, heavy metal is not emo.
The problem then was simple. To force a subject to cease being emo, heavy metal must be introduced to their system. Due to its availability and ease of administration, lead is the obvious choice for this purpose. When the lead is heated to a heightened temperature and forcibly injected, (injections to the cranial cavity gave the best results in early testing) the subject instantly ceases to be emo. The procedure is a very simple one and is usually able to be self-administered, or preformed by any helpful metalhead present.
Further test results are required to gauge the effectiveness of other heavy metals. Digital simulations from the late 90s using gold were highly successful; a bestselling 1997 study by Nintendo found that gold injections have a 100% cure rate. The only other material that has been tested to some success is mercury. Various studies over the years have found it to be semi-curative at best. Large amounts of the substance in its liquid form have at least some curative powers. In this case, it can be taken either by ingestion, inhalation or simple contact.
I plan to publish this study in a Very Respected Medical Journal. For this reason, I am very open to all forms of peer review.
Quest for Pure Snark
This is a list of inane questions that has been circling the internet for a number of years. After seeing it for the latest time in its biggest from yet, I snapped and decided to do the unthinkable and actually take them seriously. This is the result.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Because the chemicals present have a different reaction to sunlight.
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I would imagine it’s a natural human response to concentration.
Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Because some people like it that way, myself included.
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I have never seen a fridge like this. In my experience, freezers are always lit.
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Because psychics aren’t real.
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
It means “to be made brief” or “to have brevity added”
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
“Practice” in this case, mean the opposite of “theory.” That is, they actually do work on patients
instead of just reading about it.
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'?
I’m not Bill Gates, but then again, he’s rich, so he must know something we don’t.
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Citation needed.
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Because cats eat a variety of animals, and thing like fish and chicken are much easier to mass-farm.
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
It’s a real job.
Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where
the bathroom is?
I have never seen someone do either of these.
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Boobs.
Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Walt Disney did not foresee the rise of nerds obsessed with plot holes in fantasy universes.
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Because God told him not to fuck with the food chain just because humans don’t like a certain part of it. Also, it never actually happened.
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Because a pardon could go through at any time and they don’t want any survivors suing for HIV infection.
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Because their wool is not processed like clothing.
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I don’t know.
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Yes.
Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe?
Because flights terminate there, not lives (seriously, flying is one of the safest ways to travel).
Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Someone who knows what a mammal is. Seriously, the ancient people weren’t stupid, they could figure out what they were for and that there were nutrients in them. This actually contributed to the survival of humans over Neanderthals when they migrated to Europe, but that’s a different story.
Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?"
Again, nutritional value and not being a dumbass about it.
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because the show was symbolic of the seven deadly sins, and the professor was pride. Also, think of the ratings.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Because the real world, unfortunately, does not work like Pokemon. Also, people didn’t evolve from apes, they share a common ancestor.
What do you call male ballerinas?
Danseurs.
If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people dream, but not with visual components if the blindness occurred at a very early age.
That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
See Gilligan’s Island, above.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I will slap mine across your face.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Usually mineral oil.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_Majority. Yes.
Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
Were you expecting creativity from insipid children’s songs?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Yes.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
This question deliberately misuses language to make a retarded pun.
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Depends on the dog.
How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Because sometimes, the government can accomplish things before the private sector. Also, the two have NO FUCKING RELATION.
Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
Fat cells come and go as the body stores energy for the next famine, which is usually never in America.
How important someone has to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'?
It generally applies to public figures, as opposed to murder for private gain.
How come "phonetically" is spelled with a "ph"?
Because who cares? If you can’t tell the difference between one letter and two that make the same sound, get off my internet.
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Because round boxes are inefficient and pointless.
Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because if there is a machine that takes money, at least some people will buy the product from instinct. Just look at Japan (don’t look at Japan, dear God don’t look at Japan).
When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
No.
Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours?
Because they are accustomed to using inaccurate similes.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Because it actually sometimes works.
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Because crap clinging to your bum isn’t a pleasant experience. I recommend baby wipes.
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
Direction does not alter speed. Perhaps you mean velocity.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Because they can.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Because that isn’t true, STFU.
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
No Air.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You asked this before.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because Disney knows kids identify with characters who look like them.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Does he?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Suicide was a final option for them, not a job requirement.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
We choose from a shitload of people for president, it just gets narrowed down for convenience by our party system/.
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Not mine.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
I highly doubt it.
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Very carefully.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
I believe they live longer from an objective standpoint too.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Thankfully, I don’t think I’ll ever need to know.
Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
What?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If they want. If they were not allowed to, I imagine there would be a lawsuit.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Just shut up and enjoy “Fight Club.”
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Impossible to tell without enough information.
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
They don’t.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Because the chemicals present have a different reaction to sunlight.
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I would imagine it’s a natural human response to concentration.
Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Because some people like it that way, myself included.
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I have never seen a fridge like this. In my experience, freezers are always lit.
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Because psychics aren’t real.
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
It means “to be made brief” or “to have brevity added”
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
“Practice” in this case, mean the opposite of “theory.” That is, they actually do work on patients
instead of just reading about it.
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'?
I’m not Bill Gates, but then again, he’s rich, so he must know something we don’t.
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Citation needed.
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Because cats eat a variety of animals, and thing like fish and chicken are much easier to mass-farm.
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
It’s a real job.
Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where
the bathroom is?
I have never seen someone do either of these.
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Boobs.
Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Walt Disney did not foresee the rise of nerds obsessed with plot holes in fantasy universes.
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Because God told him not to fuck with the food chain just because humans don’t like a certain part of it. Also, it never actually happened.
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Because a pardon could go through at any time and they don’t want any survivors suing for HIV infection.
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Because their wool is not processed like clothing.
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I don’t know.
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Yes.
Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe?
Because flights terminate there, not lives (seriously, flying is one of the safest ways to travel).
Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Someone who knows what a mammal is. Seriously, the ancient people weren’t stupid, they could figure out what they were for and that there were nutrients in them. This actually contributed to the survival of humans over Neanderthals when they migrated to Europe, but that’s a different story.
Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?"
Again, nutritional value and not being a dumbass about it.
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because the show was symbolic of the seven deadly sins, and the professor was pride. Also, think of the ratings.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Because the real world, unfortunately, does not work like Pokemon. Also, people didn’t evolve from apes, they share a common ancestor.
What do you call male ballerinas?
Danseurs.
If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people dream, but not with visual components if the blindness occurred at a very early age.
That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
See Gilligan’s Island, above.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I will slap mine across your face.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Usually mineral oil.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_Majority. Yes.
Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
Were you expecting creativity from insipid children’s songs?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Yes.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
This question deliberately misuses language to make a retarded pun.
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Depends on the dog.
How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Because sometimes, the government can accomplish things before the private sector. Also, the two have NO FUCKING RELATION.
Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
Fat cells come and go as the body stores energy for the next famine, which is usually never in America.
How important someone has to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'?
It generally applies to public figures, as opposed to murder for private gain.
How come "phonetically" is spelled with a "ph"?
Because who cares? If you can’t tell the difference between one letter and two that make the same sound, get off my internet.
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Because round boxes are inefficient and pointless.
Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because if there is a machine that takes money, at least some people will buy the product from instinct. Just look at Japan (don’t look at Japan, dear God don’t look at Japan).
When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
No.
Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours?
Because they are accustomed to using inaccurate similes.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Because it actually sometimes works.
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Because crap clinging to your bum isn’t a pleasant experience. I recommend baby wipes.
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
Direction does not alter speed. Perhaps you mean velocity.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Because they can.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Because that isn’t true, STFU.
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
No Air.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You asked this before.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because Disney knows kids identify with characters who look like them.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Does he?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Suicide was a final option for them, not a job requirement.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
We choose from a shitload of people for president, it just gets narrowed down for convenience by our party system/.
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Not mine.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
I highly doubt it.
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Very carefully.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
I believe they live longer from an objective standpoint too.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Thankfully, I don’t think I’ll ever need to know.
Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
What?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If they want. If they were not allowed to, I imagine there would be a lawsuit.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Just shut up and enjoy “Fight Club.”
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Impossible to tell without enough information.
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
They don’t.
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