Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Supervillains, and how to kill them dead

Shooting-70%. Generally effective. The main problems are finding the body and checking the pulse, but don't rule out a body double.

Swordfighting-90%. Damn near your best bet. There's usually enough drama involved in swordfights to justify a final defeat. The only thing to remember is; fight with swords, kill with swords. If you only knock him off the edge of something, even if it's into a pit of lava, he's coming back. Same general rules for unarmed single combat, but always grapple, never throw.

Falling-5%. If swords are your best, falling is your worst. About half the time, you're not even going to be able to look for a body. More importantly, nothing says "sequel" like a hand clawing its way over the top of a cliff just as the credits start to roll. Exception: Disney movies. It's the perfect blend of drama and not having to see the actual death.

Killed by a third party-50%. If one of their trusted underlings does it, it's good. If it's the deus ex machina character, don't even think of it. Somebody you haven't heard of until now, usually works, but then you have them to deal with. Savage beasts they keep as pets are also good, but make sure they're killing to eat.

Fire/Explosions-30%. This really only works if you see them burn. If you can be sure the body is immolated, you're in the clear. Unfortunately, it can be very hard to do this, especially if it takes place in a building. With the added difficulty of finding any evidence of a body after the flames die down, you can safely say they're still out there. Reduce chance to 10% if the building in question is their evil lair.

Vehicular crash-40%. This one really depends on the size of the vehicle, as well as the environment. Going off a jungle cliff in a car is a lot different from blowing up in a one-man fighter jet over the desert. For larger vessels, particularly spaceships, assume they have escaped.

Anything that binds their souls without killing them-15%. This is a very dramatic end, but it is rendered moot if any one of their henchmen escapes to plot their return. Also a danger is the influence they might exert over someone who possesses whatever it is in which they're bound (my precious).

Anything dealing with a villain-specific weakness-10%. Did it work on Dracula?

Drowning-20%. Unless you hold them under until they go limp, you don't have any idea what happens after they sink.

Poison-55%. On the one hand, it's very easy for them to fake death by poison, especially if you just went through a long sequence of switching glasses. On the other hand, faking will only work for a little while, because unless you used a sniper dart, you're going to have easy access to the body.

Black hole-0%. No. Just no. I know of no supervillain who was ever stopped by one of these. It always leads to another dimension.

Sanctioned execution-25%. You'd have to be a pretty pathetic villain to get to this one, but it usually works, unless it was part of their plans to be lead publicly to the gallows only to begin the carnage. It's improbable mostly due to the chance of escaping from prison, and also the old body double.

Their own superweapon-60%. If you gain control of it early, it's probably not going to do you much good. There is, however, a lot of merit to the plan of reversing it at the last minute. Nothing says "owned" like a laser vs. a mirror.

Environmental hazards-70%. Similar to falling, except much easier to check for a body. Giant gears, vats of acid, sausage grinders, heavy objects from above, I could go on, but I won't. Suffice to say, you have a better chance if you cause it, directly or indirectly. Villains might be stupid enough to build their lair inside a giant clock, but they're not stupid enough to get hurt by it without being pushed.

Old age-30%. No real way to come back from this, but if they've lived that long, they're likely to have at least one heir. Unless the villain is your father.

Life in prison-100%. They will always break out and come back, but if they weren't worth killing, a worse fate awaits them. No longer will they be a supervillain. They will forever have the title of "Recurring character," very possibly of the comic relief variety.

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