After exhaustive research, I am prepared to release my findings on perhaps the first cure for emos. To do so, I gathered together a series of well-known traits, as well as common traits of those who do not carry the disease. Once I isolated the crucial nutrient lacked by those of the emo persuasion, it was a simple matter to find the best way to introduce this component into the system.
To examine an emo, one must know what one is and what one isn’t. The best specimens of non-emos were what one could describe accurately as “totally fucking metal”. A very scientific negative correlation was found between the average weight of the metal involved and the degree to which the subject was emo. To put it in simple terms, heavy metal is not emo.
The problem then was simple. To force a subject to cease being emo, heavy metal must be introduced to their system. Due to its availability and ease of administration, lead is the obvious choice for this purpose. When the lead is heated to a heightened temperature and forcibly injected, (injections to the cranial cavity gave the best results in early testing) the subject instantly ceases to be emo. The procedure is a very simple one and is usually able to be self-administered, or preformed by any helpful metalhead present.
Further test results are required to gauge the effectiveness of other heavy metals. Digital simulations from the late 90s using gold were highly successful; a bestselling 1997 study by Nintendo found that gold injections have a 100% cure rate. The only other material that has been tested to some success is mercury. Various studies over the years have found it to be semi-curative at best. Large amounts of the substance in its liquid form have at least some curative powers. In this case, it can be taken either by ingestion, inhalation or simple contact.
I plan to publish this study in a Very Respected Medical Journal. For this reason, I am very open to all forms of peer review.
No comments:
Post a Comment