This is a list of inane questions that has been circling the internet for a number of years. After seeing it for the latest time in its biggest from yet, I snapped and decided to do the unthinkable and actually take them seriously. This is the result.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Because the chemicals present have a different reaction to sunlight.
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I would imagine it’s a natural human response to concentration.
Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Because some people like it that way, myself included.
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I have never seen a fridge like this. In my experience, freezers are always lit.
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Because psychics aren’t real.
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
It means “to be made brief” or “to have brevity added”
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
“Practice” in this case, mean the opposite of “theory.” That is, they actually do work on patients
instead of just reading about it.
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'?
I’m not Bill Gates, but then again, he’s rich, so he must know something we don’t.
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Citation needed.
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Because cats eat a variety of animals, and thing like fish and chicken are much easier to mass-farm.
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
It’s a real job.
Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where
the bathroom is?
I have never seen someone do either of these.
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Boobs.
Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Walt Disney did not foresee the rise of nerds obsessed with plot holes in fantasy universes.
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Because God told him not to fuck with the food chain just because humans don’t like a certain part of it. Also, it never actually happened.
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Because a pardon could go through at any time and they don’t want any survivors suing for HIV infection.
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Because their wool is not processed like clothing.
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I don’t know.
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Yes.
Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe?
Because flights terminate there, not lives (seriously, flying is one of the safest ways to travel).
Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Someone who knows what a mammal is. Seriously, the ancient people weren’t stupid, they could figure out what they were for and that there were nutrients in them. This actually contributed to the survival of humans over Neanderthals when they migrated to Europe, but that’s a different story.
Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?"
Again, nutritional value and not being a dumbass about it.
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because the show was symbolic of the seven deadly sins, and the professor was pride. Also, think of the ratings.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Because the real world, unfortunately, does not work like Pokemon. Also, people didn’t evolve from apes, they share a common ancestor.
What do you call male ballerinas?
Danseurs.
If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people dream, but not with visual components if the blindness occurred at a very early age.
That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
See Gilligan’s Island, above.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I will slap mine across your face.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Usually mineral oil.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_Majority. Yes.
Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
Were you expecting creativity from insipid children’s songs?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Yes.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
This question deliberately misuses language to make a retarded pun.
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Depends on the dog.
How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Because sometimes, the government can accomplish things before the private sector. Also, the two have NO FUCKING RELATION.
Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
Fat cells come and go as the body stores energy for the next famine, which is usually never in America.
How important someone has to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'?
It generally applies to public figures, as opposed to murder for private gain.
How come "phonetically" is spelled with a "ph"?
Because who cares? If you can’t tell the difference between one letter and two that make the same sound, get off my internet.
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Because round boxes are inefficient and pointless.
Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because if there is a machine that takes money, at least some people will buy the product from instinct. Just look at Japan (don’t look at Japan, dear God don’t look at Japan).
When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
No.
Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours?
Because they are accustomed to using inaccurate similes.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Because it actually sometimes works.
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Because crap clinging to your bum isn’t a pleasant experience. I recommend baby wipes.
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
Direction does not alter speed. Perhaps you mean velocity.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Because they can.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Because that isn’t true, STFU.
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
No Air.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You asked this before.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because Disney knows kids identify with characters who look like them.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Does he?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Suicide was a final option for them, not a job requirement.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
We choose from a shitload of people for president, it just gets narrowed down for convenience by our party system/.
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Not mine.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
I highly doubt it.
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Very carefully.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
I believe they live longer from an objective standpoint too.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Thankfully, I don’t think I’ll ever need to know.
Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
What?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If they want. If they were not allowed to, I imagine there would be a lawsuit.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Just shut up and enjoy “Fight Club.”
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Impossible to tell without enough information.
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
They don’t.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Because the chemicals present have a different reaction to sunlight.
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I would imagine it’s a natural human response to concentration.
Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Because some people like it that way, myself included.
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I have never seen a fridge like this. In my experience, freezers are always lit.
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Because psychics aren’t real.
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
It means “to be made brief” or “to have brevity added”
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
“Practice” in this case, mean the opposite of “theory.” That is, they actually do work on patients
instead of just reading about it.
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'?
I’m not Bill Gates, but then again, he’s rich, so he must know something we don’t.
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Citation needed.
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Because cats eat a variety of animals, and thing like fish and chicken are much easier to mass-farm.
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
It’s a real job.
Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where
the bathroom is?
I have never seen someone do either of these.
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Boobs.
Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Walt Disney did not foresee the rise of nerds obsessed with plot holes in fantasy universes.
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Because God told him not to fuck with the food chain just because humans don’t like a certain part of it. Also, it never actually happened.
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Because a pardon could go through at any time and they don’t want any survivors suing for HIV infection.
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Because their wool is not processed like clothing.
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I don’t know.
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Yes.
Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe?
Because flights terminate there, not lives (seriously, flying is one of the safest ways to travel).
Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Someone who knows what a mammal is. Seriously, the ancient people weren’t stupid, they could figure out what they were for and that there were nutrients in them. This actually contributed to the survival of humans over Neanderthals when they migrated to Europe, but that’s a different story.
Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?"
Again, nutritional value and not being a dumbass about it.
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because the show was symbolic of the seven deadly sins, and the professor was pride. Also, think of the ratings.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Because the real world, unfortunately, does not work like Pokemon. Also, people didn’t evolve from apes, they share a common ancestor.
What do you call male ballerinas?
Danseurs.
If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people dream, but not with visual components if the blindness occurred at a very early age.
That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
See Gilligan’s Island, above.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I will slap mine across your face.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Usually mineral oil.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_Majority. Yes.
Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
Were you expecting creativity from insipid children’s songs?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Yes.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
This question deliberately misuses language to make a retarded pun.
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Depends on the dog.
How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Because sometimes, the government can accomplish things before the private sector. Also, the two have NO FUCKING RELATION.
Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
Fat cells come and go as the body stores energy for the next famine, which is usually never in America.
How important someone has to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'?
It generally applies to public figures, as opposed to murder for private gain.
How come "phonetically" is spelled with a "ph"?
Because who cares? If you can’t tell the difference between one letter and two that make the same sound, get off my internet.
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Because round boxes are inefficient and pointless.
Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because if there is a machine that takes money, at least some people will buy the product from instinct. Just look at Japan (don’t look at Japan, dear God don’t look at Japan).
When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
No.
Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours?
Because they are accustomed to using inaccurate similes.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Because it actually sometimes works.
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Because crap clinging to your bum isn’t a pleasant experience. I recommend baby wipes.
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
Direction does not alter speed. Perhaps you mean velocity.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Because they can.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Because that isn’t true, STFU.
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
No Air.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You asked this before.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because Disney knows kids identify with characters who look like them.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Does he?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Suicide was a final option for them, not a job requirement.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
We choose from a shitload of people for president, it just gets narrowed down for convenience by our party system/.
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Not mine.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
I highly doubt it.
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Very carefully.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
I believe they live longer from an objective standpoint too.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Thankfully, I don’t think I’ll ever need to know.
Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
What?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If they want. If they were not allowed to, I imagine there would be a lawsuit.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Just shut up and enjoy “Fight Club.”
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Impossible to tell without enough information.
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
They don’t.
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